Adieu!!

In my blogging experiance for the last few months I have realised that this is not what I wanted. I wanted space for myself..I wanted to serve my thoughts and feelings , however I have not been doing that. I apologise to all my readers for decieving them. Somewhere subconciously I was writing an edited version of what I wanted to say. I was trying to say what you wanted to hear! My very reason for writing my feelings out is to understand myself in relation to the world. I have not succeeded in doing that. There is a difference between what you are and what you want to be and through my writings I was merging these two domains. Now, however since I have realised that though I am me I want to confirm the fact. I am not going, but hence forth my blogs will be annonymous..to filter the desire of being loved by my readers. I will still write but the only thing that ends is my journey on "Freedom to Feel"!!

May God bless you all. Thank You for reading my blogs!

The Rolling Stones!!

The stadium was dark. On the stage The Rolling Stones played with their usual charm and enthusiasm. She was the only one to watch them perform. She sat alone in the dark stadium with her legs folded close to her body and her thin, long ribbon like hands circled around her legs. She looked almost like a gift wrapped parcel ready to surprise someone!! She gazed into the darkness. Her eyes were like two wide, broad windows with a black kolh rim that lead to a neat room with shabby furniture. Wide open as they were would almost remind you of a venus fly trap, attractive and welcoming! She absorbed the music that flowed around her-or did she? A lonely fan circled right above her. She was amused by the continuity of the wings of the fan. Before she realized her eyelids surrendered to the brightness of the dark. It was now time for her to unwind and so she did!

The Rolling Stones!!

The stadium was dark. On the stage The Rolling Stones played with their usual charm and enthusiasm. She was the only one to watch them perform. She sat alone in the dark stadium with her legs folded close to her body and her thin, long ribbon like hands circled around her legs. She looked almost like a gift wrapped parcel ready to surprise someone!! She gazed into the darkness. Her eyes were like two wide, broad windows with a black kolh rim that lead to a neat room with shabby furniture. Wide open as they were would almost remind you of a venus fly trap, attractive and welcoming! She absorbed the music that flowed around her-or did she? A lonely fan circled right above her. She was amused by the continuity of the wings of the fan. Before she realized her eyelids surrendered to the brightness of the dark. It was now time for her to unwind and so she did!

Blue!

She sat wearing a gloomy expression. Her eyes were small and red like two cherries artistically embedded on her face. The tears slowly made their way gently kissing her cheek as they rolled down. She stared into the space. Her head was tilted slighty towards the ground as if hiding her tears from the Gods! She made criss-cross lines on the sheet that lay before her. Sitting silently she tried answering the questions that the tears asked her. Emptiness befriended her-it had always been her kindest companion. She wondered if it would ever end. She sighed!

Today she still searches. Now, however her tears have dried out. Her large almond eyes absorb the world. The kohl black eyes guarded by long lashes like blades of swords still stare into the space at times. Emptiness still accompanies her, the only difference being that she has accepted this. Her loyalties are to the loneliness in her soul. She is not strong, she is not satisfied. She is just adapting, learning to be weak, learning to accept the incompleteness in her life!

You fill up my senses!!

Beautiful song, made me blog it down!

You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean
you fill up my senses, come fill me again.
Come let me love you,
let me give my life to you
let me drown in your laughter,
let me die in your arms
let me lay down beside you,
let me always be with you
come let me love you, come love me again.
You fill up my senses
like a night in the forest
like the mountains in springtime,
like a walk in the rain
like a storm in the desert,
like a sleepy blue ocean
you fill up my senses,
come fill me again.

Marriges are made in Heaven!

Marriges are made in Heaven, the wedding planners though are totally Earthy! As a child the only thing that marriges reminded me of was food(though today also they do!!). Now, however, I have realised that a marrige is a very deep emotional bond between two people. What I fail to understand is why do Indian marriges convert this pure feeling to a "See how much money I have" exhibition!!!

Maybe it's just that I dont understand the value of it, but as of now I think Indian marriges are nothing but a pompous display of exccesive extravaganza of something that does not even exist! What is a marrige? A get-together of loved ones, a way to share your happiness, or a couple of hours of listening to chants(which one does'nt even intend to understand!!)

The very picture of a marrige makes me feel totally fake! A row(a large one!!) of women, all dressed like queens of nowhere, hidden under layers of jewellry, covered in jazzy clothing and each eyeing what the other is wearing! More than half the "cast", as they would call it, is there to attend the marrige. People you have never meet before and will never meet again have come to "share the happiness"(really??)!! Is all that required? Can we not have only people who actually mean something? The chants ofcourse go on for a while(quite a while actually!!) I am doubtful if the bride and the bridegroom are even listening to what is goin on. I also doubt if the "brahamin" is interested in what he is saying! What kind of a commitement is this? Does doing all this make any sense? Can such a deep commitment be made with a third person praying for you?

I am not saying all this is wrong, maybe the way I percieve it is wrong!! All I need is a reason to believe in what I do!! I dont see any sense in converting a marrige to an exhibition! Life, however is a game that different people play with different rules!!

Untamed.

There is an ocean in me. The waves hit hard against the rocks as if searching for something in deep hysteria of uncertainity. These untamed waves roar and reach out to touch the skies only to be subdued in the silent depths of the ocean! Many a cruel winds slap their faces to push them hard down to the surface. The agony, however, does not die. The waves rise again with the same anger and follow their quest to find the answers. The answers they cannot find in the dark blacks of the ocean. This outburst is not to die out. It has a long way to go. Along journey to fulfill!

Statement Of Purpose!

Since its the SOP season I thought I shall enjoy it to my fullest! For all the helpless souls who are unaware about what an "SOP" is let me bring you to light. Technically, engineering students making a Statement about why they should be a part of the University and writing things they have done, have not done and also things they will never do, all under the first category and submitting it to universities in USA are called SOPs i.e. Statement Of Purpose! Okay sorry about the awfully long sentence, just that I was too excited!

Somehow the word SOP has become a synonym to the word "desparation" in my mind! In the last couple of weeks I have read through a bunch of SOP's myself. I am listing out the only thing I could capture from what I read.

I know I am not an expert to be saying all this but what the hell I want to say it anyway!!( Alright I am just trying to be nice, I have no regrets writing whatever is lined up here before you!!)

Some SOP's show a lot of passion..so much of it that it sounds obviously fake! The passion of the student seems to be oozing out of every curve in every alphabet! The abundance of motivation portrayed only makes you want to say " Why do you even want an admission to my University, write a book instead, it'll be a bestseller!!" Excess is never attractive..phew! only if more people would understand that!

The next category of SOPs are the one's that have no determination at all!! Reminds me of the extreme poverty and extreme wealth in India. "Requirement to bridge the gap" seems to creep in everywhere!!! Sad, dull, dry and ineffective!! yawnnnn!!! Reading them is like being sentenced for something as grave as running your car over some urchin!

The common characteristics in all SOPs is the English used to write them. Most, I am doubtful, use English! "English is a very phunny language"..oh its not unless you are bent to make it one! The SOPs either sound like an exercise of " use one word for the following phrases" or they narrate stories of how the prince saved the princess from the cruel clutches of the monster!!(even that would be interesting!!). The conversions from the so called "mother tounge" to English is just too obvious at times is'nt it?

Lastly ofcourse comes the "feel" of an SOP!! The most sentimental piece of work that has to be written is an SOP!!! A touchy, passionate, supersenti, almost in the lines of Ekta Kapoor soaps..that is what is needed..or is it??

ORYVBGDMSU!!!!! (In Caps!!)

"You have witnessed the agonies of incomplete love stories,
You have witnessed the ecstacies of immortal love stories,
It's time you witness mine.."!!!!!!
Don worry, I am not going to spill yet another love story before you, that is just a dialouge from Shri Shri Himesh Reshamiya's first movie. Was kinda playing in my mind for a while!!!

The day could'nt have been more boring! A pathetically sunny afternoon and an empty brain can be a depressing combination! CAT, GRE, recos, SOP's, DSP's and Superman are the flavor of the month!!(okay you probably wont understand the Superman part...forget that!!). I want to bitch about a someone but damn, adorable that I am, I follow the rules of "Bitching is bad"!!(Though I dont follow it all the time!!) besides to bitch about the someone I need a someone to listen to me!!!! (okay just wanted to clarify the two someones are different just incase you have'nt noticed that already!!!). Now you probably aware of how sad life has become!

Okay now the Indian Superman(it just occured to me that Indian superman=Krishh!!!!) is giving me the most scornful look. I take your leave...will catch you soon!!!

Happy & Satisfied!

Walking hand in hand with happiness. Dogging all bitchy, self-centered, injust frames of the canvas of the Allmighty and managing to keep the soul light! Still standing strong against sorrow. Still managing to have a "big heart" and forget and forgive the sins of my fellow mates. Still managing to smile at the foolish attempts of unwise souls to "use" me!!! Still managing to absorb sunlight which wets my soul with peace. Still managing to appriciate the beauty He has created for me. Still managing to love.

Kneeling before You to thank You for being with me. To thank You for all You have given me. For the satisfaction You have filled my soul with! I trust Your decision. Love You and always will!